Amaranthine
by Dragon's Daughter 1980
Summary: There would be no happy ending to this story, and she was asking him not to look for one.


Amaranthine

By Dragon's Daughter 1980

Disclaimer: Stargate: Atlantis and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story was created for entertainment purposes only. No copyright infringement is intended. In other words, other than being a fan, I have absolutely _nothing_ to do with Stargate: Atlantis in _any_ way, shape or form.

Author's Note: Unfortunately, I've only been able to occasionally watch SGA, so I am not completely sure about canon. I should probably also mention that most of my information comes from reading posted transcripts at Gateworld (and I haven't read all of them…yet.) So please excuse any of my errors (drop me a note via review). I also am not intimately familiar with the Bible and I do not mean any offense if I've messed up anything. Thank you!

Spoiler Warning: _Adrift & Lifeline_

* * *

God giveth; God taketh.

He hadn't gone to church for years. The last time he had set foot in a church for services was the day of his mother's funeral. He didn't understand why his mother died, killed by a drunk driver as she went to work off-base, and while he knew life wasn't fair, he didn't understand why his father held him responsible. He was only eight years old. He didn't understand the pastor's sermon, couldn't take comfort from the idea that his mother was "in a better place now" and didn't understand why God had taken his mother away. "God giveth; God taketh," the pastor had said solemnly, "and our place is not to question or understand why, but to accept His doings as part of His greater plan."

After that day, he had turned away from organized religion.

Funny though, how the phrase stayed with him through the years, coming back to haunt him at the oddest of times. He didn't call himself a fatalist, but he had felt, when he seen her, truly seen her for the first time, that she would be a constant presence in his life. Maybe it was pure luck, maybe it was fate, maybe it was God Himself who put the two of them together and for the first time in a long time, he found himself not asking 'why' he was with someone, but being thankful that he was.

He looked down at the thin chain tangled in his fingers, the silvery-blue pendant shimmering in the moonlight as it dangled from the delicately-forged silver links. When he had seen the abilities of the skilled artisans on one of their allied trade worlds, he had bargained quietly with one of the jewelers to make the necklace. The middle-aged man had given him a knowing glance when he agreed to the trade, understanding that he was to speak to no one about the transaction.

She had been so surprised when he had presented the delicately carved wooden box to her a few months later. He still remembered the small gasp of awe that escaped her when she had opened the flat box and seen the pendant nestled inside. Her eyes had shimmered with amusement when she turned her head and asked him why he had brought her a present when it wasn't her birthday. He leaned in close and planted a gentle kiss on the delicate skin behind her ear before he had whispered that it was the anniversary of the day he first realized he had fallen in love with her.

_

* * *

_

"Could you put it on for me?" she asked, taking the necklace out of the box and handing it to him. He nodded and she turned back around, one hand pulling her dark curls to one side, out of his way. He carefully drew the chain around her neck, and, right before he fastened the clasp, he kissed the back of her neck, smirking slightly when she shivered slightly at the touch. Before he had a chance to fully pull away, she turned around and wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling herself up for a kiss. When they parted for air, she smirked back at him, "You know how I hate it when you do that."

_He grinned back at her, the cocky fly-boy smirk that he knew infuriated and melted her at the same time, "No, you love it." She laughed before she turned both of their attentions to other, more...interesting... pursuits. _

* * *

They had been so happy together, even with the forced secrecy and the stresses of their position and situation. It was thrilling when they managed to steal quick kisses in a darkened corner, or exchange looks across a room, promising to meet in 'their spot' later on or in the privacy of one of the vacant rooms that they had claimed as 'theirs.' As clichéd as it sounded, they felt as if they were one, sharing the same thoughts with a glance or a shrug, each knowing what the other wanted — even though that sometimes led to spectacular blow-ups that attracted the attention of the entire city, not to speak of the gossip and betting pools, when her office erupted into yelling between its two commanders.

When the Asurans had attacked, he had never imagined that he would lose her, just a few weeks after they had vowed to be together for as long as they could be. If anything, he had expected to be the one leaving her, dying first, not the other way around. He was the military leader, the man who took all the risks to keep her safe behind glass walls. Neither of them could have foreseen those glass walls would kill her. Waiting outside the operating room had been one of the worst vigils of his life, made worse by the news that Keller delivered to him. He had left then, to take command of the city and to fulfill her duties, as she would have wanted him to do. There would be time for grief later, when everything — no, not everything; how could everything be all right if she was dead? —was all right and they were safe.

When he had found out what had happened, half of him wanted to throttle Rodney for putting at risk not just _his_ city, but _her _people while the other half of him wanted to break down into relieved sobs and hug the chief scientist officer. Besides the fact that it would confuse Rodney to no end, he knew it was not what she wanted, and so he firmly quashed his emotions and issued the orders he knew she would want, even though it would kill her all over again. Then came the fact that they did need her alive to save the city, and so, with a quiet sigh of relief for being able to put off the decision that would stop his heart along with hers, he had gone in with the others to propose the insane plan for their survival. She had looked at him, read whatever emotions were in his eyes, and agreed. He lingered when the others had left.

_

* * *

_

"You're gonna be okay, Elizabeth," he said, trying to reassure her, the selfish part of him trying in vain to dissuade her from what she would chose to do in the end by offering her hope — foolish hope, yes, but it was still hope. She smiled, and he knew she saw it for the lie that it was. There would be no 'okay' for her. Her life, her existence now was settled into two choices, two paths that gave her no choice for freedom: to live a half-life of constant fear, away from the scrutiny of scientists

if_ she was very lucky, or to die a little later, her body cremated for the safety of everyone else and scattered to the four winds around the city…if they all survived. Either way, she would never see Earth again, never be in command of the place she had come to call home, never be free to be happy and untroubled, to live without burdens; she had lost everything that she had worked so hard for, everything that she had cherished._

_"Still," she said calmly, as if they were merely discussing the newest batch of soldiers coming in on the Daedalus, "I would like all of you to keep a very close eye on me, and the first sign of any suspicious behavior, do not hesitate with that kill-switch."_

_He swallowed hard, praying to whatever deities were out there that he would never have to give that order. If she had to die, he wanted her to die in his arms, here in Atlantis, here in the place they called home — not out on a spaceship, not in the middle of enemy territory. He wanted her to go at peace, knowing that their city, her people were safe, and that he loved her, heart and soul. He wanted a chance to say goodbye, without anyone watching or caring. That's what he wanted, and that was what he was gambling to have. If they came back together… It was a bitter choice, but it was a far better than its alternative — having to watch her die, to bear her body back for burial, if there was a body at all._

_"Okay," he agreed, his voice surprisingly steady, "but that's not gonna happen ..."_

_"John," her voice was steel, an order that he knew he could never disobey, no matter how much he wanted to, "I mean it." Her green eyes met his, and he knew her mind was made up. She pleaded silently with him to accept her decision, to not argue with her, to let her follow through with her choice, her _final_ choice. Whatever she saw in his eyes, she nodded at him, comforted by the knowledge he would not deny her that decision. Swallowing down his bile, he nodded back at her, knowing that he could not defy her last wishes. The Asurans had taken away her freedom to make decisions about her own life, had forced her into making an impossible choice. He loved her too much to cause her more anguish by asking her to live. She was strong, but she wouldn't be the woman he loved if she begged to live a half-life. There was strength and courage in choosing to die to protect others; that was her final wish, and he would honor it, regardless of the pain and grief it would cause him._

_His fingers twitched, wanting to caress her skin one last time, and she smiled sadly at him, knowing that it wasn't possible, and even if he did reach out to touch her, she would flinch away, if only to protect him. With graceful movements, she undid the clasp of her necklace and held it out for him to take._

_'Keep it safe for me,' were the words in her eyes as she let the chain and pendant fall into his outstretched hand. They did not touch, but only looked at each other. Mere feet separated them, but the distance was as insurmountable as a vast chasm. He belonged to the living; she belonged to the dead._

_Her eyes said what she couldn't, not without jeopardizing his position or the safety of her people. If the IOA found out, or if people didn't trust him to protect them, her choice — her sacrifice — would be for nothing. She trusted him to carry on her work, to protect her people — their people — from the Wraith, from the political machinations of the SGC, from the unknowns of the Pegasus Galaxy. And in her eyes, he knew she believed he would not fail her. He wished that he could be just as confident as she was in him._

_ 'I love you,' were silent words, unspoken, yet all too real. He wondered what she saw in his face, in his eyes — if she knew of his grief and anguish over the command he would eventually have to give, of the guilt that he would carry for the rest of his life for sacrificing her life for the greater good, if she knew how much he loved her and that he would trade places with her in an instant if it meant that she would live — and then she smiled sadly, and he knew that she did — she knew everything that he was thinking and she knew that if they did trade places, he would want her to do the same things she wanted him to do now and she would be suffering the same struggle between duty and love that he was facing now. There would be no happy ending to this story, and she was asking him not to look for one._

_His city.__ Her people. It was greater than the two of them, greater and more important than two lovers. One of the things that they understood about the other was their absolute devotion to Atlantis and the people living within it; it was one of the reasons their relationship worked (and sometimes didn't work). The city came first, above everything else. And if she had to die to protect it, she understood and accepted it. In her eyes, he read that acceptance, and the belief that she had been merely granted a chance to say goodbye before she died. She wouldn't fight to live, not with the nanites running through her blood, not with the fear she would always have, if she continued to live, of one day bringing death to everyone she loved._

_He swallowed, understanding her reasoning, but still tasting the bitterness of grief and duty as he turned away and walked out of the room._

* * *

Then everything had gone spectacularly right and wrong and he had lost her. He still reached out for her in his dreams, trying to save her from the swarm of Asurans that surrounded her, reliving that moment when he had failed her, and wanting to scream with grief every time he opened his eyes and saw that it was all a dream. She was still gone, still lost somewhere in the darkness of space, enduring only God knew what at the Asurans' hands. Her voice, firm and commanding, edged with desperation still echoed through his nightmares. Her green eyes, vibrant with fear and resolve as she ordered him to leave her behind, still haunted him in the darkness. He knew he would never forget the look on her face as she sacrificed herself to save her people, to save _him_.

He closed his fingers around her necklace and looked up at the star-scattered sky. He would find her and he would bring her home. Until then, he would protect her people in her place, and pray for her safety every night. It would be what she wanted.

"I love you," he whispered softly, the words drowned out of hearing by the lapping of the waves against the city.

* * *

Somewhere, out in the vastness of the galaxy, a woman with dark curls stood in a ship's brig, staring out of a small window at the stars. Unbowed by the harsh interrogations she had endured at the hands of her captors, she raised her chained hands and gently touched the cool material that separated her from the vacuum of space.

"I love you," she breathed, closing her eyes and resting her head against the glass-like material, thinking of the man she loved and who would come for her, one day. Until then, she would fight to survive, fight to wait for him.

God had given them their love, but He could not take their love away.


End file.
